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Wednesday, April 02, 2008

Crazy Political Jokers on Late-Night US TV



I have to give it to the Americans, the way they make fun of their leaders in the wittiest of political satire (or the extreme distastefulness in many cases) if you had them here, lawyers will have a field day with libel cases. My personal favorite is Daniel Kurtzman whose blog is updated with the latest quips from late-night TV hosts like David Letterman, Jay Leno, Conan O'Brien, Bill Maher, Stephen Colbert, Jon Stewart and others, is a great source of the latest jokes on political scandals and sleaze.

The past weeks' jokes centered mainly on the Obama-Clinton primaries, with Hillary getting the most flak out of lying about her "landing amid sniper fire in Bosnia", and Obama's anti-American pastor. We also saw the sex-scandals of the the neighboring governors - New York's Elliot Spitzer and New Jersey's Jim McGreevey, and later on David Paterson, the blind guy who replaced Spitzer.

Spitzer, we all know, was caught by the FBI wiretaps as Client No. 9 who paid prostitutes costing up to $5,000 an hour from Emperor's Club. Just a few days ago, a Brazilian madam claims Spitzer paid to watch couples having sex.

McGreevey, resigned after he was caught sending sexy emails to an assistant and later admitted he was gay. His assistant also claims he had threesomes with the ex-governor and his wife.

The new NY Gov, Paterson, a few hours after swearing in also admitted to having several extra-marital affairs and the wife, surprise, admitted similar things, too!

Also in the compilation is Sen. John McCain, the Republican shoo-in whose age is the target of most jokes.

There is some sprinkling about Bush, Cheney, and some others.

Here goes, enjoy!

"I guess this is good news. Former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer has reportedly entered therapy for a sex addiction. Spitzer said his therapy is going well, and that his therapist has a fantastic rack." --Conan O'Brien

"In New Jersey today, there were dangerous winds, with gusts up to 50 miles an hour. The winds were so strong that they blew former Governor McGreevey off his chauffeur." --Conan O'Brien

"Well, of course, this Sunday is Easter. Of course, Easter is that very, very holy day when Christians around the world honor a 2,000-year-old Jewish man who is not Larry King." --Conan O'Brien

"A big insurance company just announced they will give $10 million to anyone who can invent a car that gets 100 miles per gallon. Meanwhile, Exxon says they'll give $11 million to anyone who kills that guy." --Conan O'Brien

Aren't you proud of America today, ladies and gentlemen, that we're fighting for the Supreme Islamic Council? That's why we sent our troops there. And Bush said even though the Iraqis are fighting the Iraqis, luckily, a civil war has not broken out." --Bill Maher

"Sinbad was the one who busted her on this. He contradicted her whole story. Boy, what a pair they make, huh? A once popular celebrity from the '90s whose star is fading fast and Sinbad." --Bill Maher

"More problems for Governor Eliot Spitzer. The New York Post reporting that he has been identified as a long-term client of a second call girl ring called Wicked Models, and his favorite call girl was $1,000 an hour, a girl named Kristin 'Billie' Davis. You know what this means? He was cheating on his hooker with another hooker. Oh, man. In guy world, that is the lowest!" --Jay Leno

"The mayor of Detroit, Kwame Kilpatrick, has been charged with perjury after he got caught sending his chief of staff text messages about having sex. Yeah. He's also being investigated for having strippers at the mayor's mansion. And, of course, people are shocked. Detroit has a mayor's mansion? They're calling this the worst thing to come out of Detroit since the Ford Pinto." --Jay Leno

"Democratic frontrunner Barack Obama vacationing now in the Virgin Islands. It's been a while since anyone's used the words 'Democrats' and 'virgin' in the same sentence. You just don't hear that these days." --Jay Leno

"I love this story. I saw it in the paper today. Former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer will explore whether he has an addiction to sex. Oh, shut up. Is sex really an addiction? Is it a disease? Do you think it's a disease? Huh? I mean, I've heard people call into work sick. Can you call in horny?" --Jay Leno

"And it's getting worse and worse for Governor Spitzer. Now, a Brazilian madam has come forward to say that Eliot Spitzer paid her to watch other couples have sex. You know, this whole thing could've been avoided if you put a peep hole in the lieutenant governor's office. That way, he could've watched David Paterson have his affairs and saved five grand an hour." --Jay Leno

"In more serious news, big controversy last week after State Department officials looked at passport files of all three major candidates. Turns out, they got a hold of John McCain's Social Security number. Got his social security number. You know what it is? Three." --Jay Leno

"Well, here's the big brouhaha. Former New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson ... still thinks he's loyal to the Clinton family, despite endorsing Barack Obama. Loyal. He just endorsed Barack. Even Bill was more faithful to Hillary than that." --Jay Leno

"Actually, the reason this is such a big story is that Bill Richardson was a member of the Clinton cabinet. And Clinton adviser James Carville ... on Good Friday, he called Bill Richardson a Judas. Called him a Judas. Well, you know, there are a lot of biblical references in this race. Now they're calling Bill Clinton 'Jonah' because he was once swallowed by a whale." --Jay Leno

"Yesterday in New York, everybody was in the Easter spirit. As a matter of fact, former governor Eliot Spitzer, he was in the Easter spirit. He spent the day with someone named Bunny." --David Letterman

"Did you hear about this? Two State Department employees were fired -- this is a bit of a scandal -- because they were looking at Barack Obama's passport file. Not only that, but the same person was also looking at John McCain's Civil War records." --David Letterman

"This week, John McCain received a warm welcome in Israel. He was in Israel. You know, he is hugely popular in Israel ever since he stood with the Jewish people against the pharaoh. They've never forgotten." --Jay Leno

"Have you heard about this? Playgirl magazine made an offer to Eliot Spitzer to appear naked in the magazine. Isn't that unbelievable? I tell you, you know who really wants to see that spread? Former New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevey." --Jay Leno

"In Tibet, the rumor is the Dalai Lama might be stepping down. Yeah, it turns out he was Client Number 11." --Jay Leno

"The good news is ... on YouTube, the Obama speech now is getting watched more than the clips of the pastor. ... The bad news is that it's still far behind the footage of Spitzer's hooker on 'Girls Gone Wild.'This chick is everywhere. I swear to God, she won 'American Idol.' ... The last person to get this famous for f------ some idiot was Kevin Federline." --Bill Maher

"And now the New York Post says that Eliot Spitzer is in therapy for sex addiction. I'm not sure he really understands the process. Today, he requested an analyst with really big tits." --Bill Maher

"And today, John McCain was in England, where he visited his birthplace, Stonehenge." --Jay Leno

"Well, we have former presidential candidate John Edwards on the show tonight. He ran a terrific campaign. His No. 1 issue, of course, was the poor and those who live in poverty. Or, as we call them now, Bear Sterns stockholders." --Jay Leno

"And that high-priced call girl, Ashley Dupre, the one that was having sex with Governor Spitzer, has reportedly lost a $1 million offer to pose nude because old nude photos have popped up on the Internet. So let that be a lesson to all you young women out there. Don't ever think of posing nude until after you're a successful hooker." --Jay Leno

"Vice President Dick Cheney also in Iraq this week. Cheney told the Iraqi government that their leaders have to show some progress on both their domestic and economic fronts. And the Iraqis said to Cheney, 'Uh, you first.'" --Jay Leno

"Bush also went on to say that Bear Stearns is just going through a tough time and victory's just around the corner. ... I don't want to say Wall Street is in financial trouble. You know who's in charge of Bear Stearns right now, you know who's running it? Britney Spears' dad." --Jay Leno

"Interesting fact came out today on the new $5 bill. It turns out it used to be the old $10 bill." --Jay Leno

"As you know, yesterday, Barack Obama gave a big speech on race, and there was one heckler in the audience, kept screaming crazy stuff the whole time. Turns out it was his pastor." --Jay Leno

"One of the women Paterson had an affair with was a state employee. He said he tried to end the affair, but since she was a state employee, there was so much paperwork involved, it was just easier to just keep banging her." --Jay Leno

"As you know, Governor Paterson is legally blind, which has gotta be an advantage when you're having an affair. This way, when your wife catches you in bed with another woman, you go, 'Honey, I thought it was you.'" --Jay Leno

"According to a new study by scientists at Clemson University, almost 3,000 bacteria are transferred every time you double-dip something. More bad news for New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevey." --Jay Leno

"That's the other big scandal on the East Coast. A male aide to former New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevey says the governor's wife should have known he was gay, because they all used to have three-way sex together. As he called it, a 'McThreevey.'" --Jay Leno

"So, let's see, Jim McGreevey was having three-ways. Eliot Spitzer was having sex with prostitutes. The new governor, David Paterson, was having an affair. You realize the only politician in New York not getting any sex -- Hillary Clinton." --Jay Leno

"Are you fold excited about March Madness? You know, here's how it works. We go from 65 to 32, then to 16, and then to eight and -- well, no, no, that's -- those are Hillary Clinton's superdelegates." --David Letterman

"I was thinking about this today. Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama and what a contest for the Democratic presidential nomination. Kind of exciting, isn't it? They've got a lot in common. Hillary and Barack have a great deal in common. Both are lawyers, both are senators and neither one is sleeping with Bill Clinton." --David Letterman

"There are technically now so many sex scandals in New York, it's hard for me to keep track of them. Are you having the same trouble? ... Every day you pick up the paper, there's a new revelation. This is the latest. Today, it was revealed that Eliot Spitzer's call girl, Ashley Dupre, appeared in a 'Girls Gone Wild' video when she was 18. Yeah, when asked about it, Ashley said, 'That was during my embarrassing pre-hooker days.'" --Conan O'Brien

"It's now being reported that the former governor of New Jersey took part in several threesomes involving his wife and his chauffeur. Yeah. So, it's your move, Spitzer. --Conan O'Brien

"I'm sick at heart over the disturbing revelations about the newly installed New York Governor David Paterson. Evidently, he cheated on his wife as well. But specifically what disturbs me is where he cheated [on screen: news anchor saying, 'The Daily News says Paterson carried out the affair at the Days Inn on New York's Upper West Side']. The Days Inn up on Broadway and 94th? I mean, the man is blind. You know that heightens his sense of smell. I hope he at least put one of pine tree air fresheners around his neck. Governor, if you are going to indulge, indulge. Cheating at the Days Inn is like going off your diet for a tootsie roll ... at the Days Inn." --Stephen Colbert

"Did you folks get drunk on St. Patrick's Day? I think maybe I had a little too much to drink yesterday. I don't remember what happened exactly, but I woke up this morning between former Governor Jim McGreevey and his wife." --David Letterman

"Vice President Dick Cheney, you know where he is right now? He's in Baghdad. He visited there. While he was in Iraq, he said that it's a successful endeavor. At least I think that's what he said. It was hard to hear over the explosions." --David Letterman

"There was one bit of good news for the economy earlier today. At the last minute, a large investment bank was rescued at the last minute. It was adopted by Angelina Jolie." --David Letterman

"This is the latest on the Spitzer scandal. Details are still coming forward. It's been reported that the prostitute involved in the Eliot Spitzer scandal was once hired by Charlie Sheen, but Sheen is denying it. Yeah. Because it turns out Sheen has an air-tight alibi. He was with three other hookers at the time." --Conan O'Brien

"John McCain's daughter is in the news. John McCain's daughter says that a lot of guys don't want to date her because her dad makes her too high-profile. Yeah. That's part of the reason. It's also because McCain's daughter is 63 years old. ... Her name is Mable. She was a nurse in the Korean War. Lovely girl." --Conan O'Brien

"Even President Bush starting to get worried about this economy being out of control, you know. I mean, gold is over $1,000 an ounce. Oil, $1,100 a barrel. Hookers, $5,000 an hour." --Jay Leno

"I've been watching that John Adams miniseries on HBO. You seen this? Boy, it's really good. You know, it's fun to see all the Founding Fathers. They're all in it. John Adams, George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, John McCain" --Jay Leno

"A Happy St. Patrick's Day to everybody! Amazing, over 300 sober people. You never see that on St. Patrick's Day. Everybody's wearing green. The only place you didn't see any green today, Wall Street." --Jay Leno

"Another political sex scandal in the New York area in the papers today. Unbelievable what's going on lately. This is the latest. A man who used to be the chauffeur for New Jersey's former governor, Jim McGreevey, is claiming that he used to have three-way sex with McGreevy and his wife. Yeah. True story. When asked about it, McGreevey said, 'That's a lie. I would never have had sex with my wife.'" --Conan O'Brien

"It was an exciting day up in Albany. At the governor's mansion earlier today, women were outside of the governor's mansion wearing buttons that read 'Kiss me, I'm $4,000.'" --David Letterman

"I don't know if you are aware of this, but tragedy at the St. Patrick's Day Parade. Mayor Bloomberg -- what's his first name? ... Yeah, was marching in the parade and he was hit, hit by a jumping stockbroker." --David Letterman

"A lot of American dignitaries visiting the Middle East. Senator McCain, running for president, is in Iraq. ... Of course, he remembers Iraq when it was known as Mesopotamia." --David Letterman

"It looks like the Democratic field really starting to get narrowed down. For Democrats, it's going to be Barack Obama versus Hillary. So, it's a black man or a white woman. You know, this is the same decision Michael Jackson has to make every morning of his life." --Jay Leno


(8~D)

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10 Comments:

At 2:38 PM, April 03, 2008, Blogger DJB Rizalist said...

hahaha,
who says only filipinos can laugh at their leaders. am radio in the Archipelago is actually much like late nite TV on the Continent, except it really is HUMORLESS and grim.

 
At 9:57 PM, April 03, 2008, Blogger Tongue's Wrath said...

I can't find anyone among our own who can deliver classy humor the way these guys do. Maybe a handful on radio, but TV? Unless its slapstick and witless, the TV produs won't even dare. There's not enough intelligent audience. Or intelligent writers. Or both.

 
At 11:29 PM, April 07, 2008, Blogger Sheena Pimentel said...

I think what lacks Philippine media is "guts" and "dignity." Well, that is, they care much on how much they'll get (money, of course) rather than thinking of how much it'll help the nation if they just air out their "real" assessment on certain issues. But then again, their managers might fire them if they screw up in the eyes of the government. Oh well.

Thanks for the comment you posted on my page. And yes, yer right, Bush = Arroyo. Haha.

Best regards,
Sheena

 
At 9:06 AM, April 08, 2008, Blogger Tongue's Wrath said...

Actually Sheena, I am very selective with whom I read. Envelopmental journalism has been exploited to the max by this regime and I limit my edutainment to those whose columns are not for sale.

Pseudo-journalists and their attack-and-collect antics should be published under classified ads, "FOR SALE" subheading.

 
At 7:50 AM, April 09, 2008, Blogger Tongue's Wrath said...

Sorry, I forgot, as a matter of practice, Sheena, I officially welcome newcomers to the blog.

So there you are, welcome to the blog!

***********

P.S.

I read in your profile you are a beauty title holder. That's great, your photo proves it. You are also a media practitioner.

Beauty and brains!

 
At 6:21 AM, April 15, 2008, Blogger Bambit said...

Hi Tongue, remember that time when Kris A. et al went up in arms against Jon Stewart because he put up a slide with Cory's pic and the word "slut" slapped on it? Tsk tsk, that caused quite a furor here in Manila, but only Willie Nep got his story right.

Thanks for pressing my buttons (ay, visiting my blog pala :)

 
At 11:11 PM, April 15, 2008, Blogger Tongue's Wrath said...

Right, Bambit, I remember. Imagine if we were Tibetans and we heard that joke of Jay Leno about the Dalai Lama as I quoted in this post.

But of course in politics, everyone's fair game. We can't be too onion-skinned about what everyone says about us.

*****

Bambit, welcome to the blog!

 
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